twenty-nine

I’ve recently restored my addiction to playing The Sims. The graphics in The Sims2 is so much better than the first one, not to mention the fact that you could do so much more with the characters. Compared to the first one, the second one seems more closer to life, at least to a certain extent.

What I really like about it is how one character can start as a baby and become a full grown man/woman after several minutes. Their careers could develop from a low-life lobbyist or dish-washer into a successful Chief of Staff or Chef in just a matter of minutes. With a couple of mouse clicks, a character could suddenly learn new things and their happiness requires only that their essential needs be met, i.e., eating, socializing, taking a bath, having a clean room, etc. Even more fascinating is how a woman can be single one minute and after some clicking, give birth to a baby. If only real life were that easy.

Before I slept last night around midnight, I was a bit anxious. Another year of my life was about to pass in just a few minutes. I thought of where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m headed.

I knew that my essential needs were being met every single day. Sometimes, I get more than what I really need. But I wondered if I am happy.

As I brushed my teeth in the bathroom, I thought of my husband who was just in the other room. Certainly, when I was a child, I could not have asked for him. I had almost decided against marriage as I grew up. I only needed friends, nothing more complicated. But then I met him and he turned out to be a great person after all. Now, not only do I have a best friend, I also have a great love. Although just like everyone else, he’s got flaws and there are times when he makes me cry. But he makes up for it by learning from his mistakes and becoming a better person. That way, I learn from him and become a better person myself.

Then I thought of the family I have. Certainly, we’re not the “normal” kind of family. Our lives are filled with complexities fitting only for a mexican telenovela, except that the black and white of it isn’t so clearly defined. But then again, nothing in real life can be so clearly defined. A person can be a hero and a villain at the same time. Still, love for one another is never missing. I have wonderful parents who, despite the obstacles that have come their way, has held on strongly to the bonds of their love and marriage. I have siblings who do not distinguish whether we are of the full- or half-blood kind, it only matters that we adore each other (and I buy them toys every now and then.=). I have a funny uncle behind whose smiles and jokes is a whole different story of drama. His kids, my cousins, who could be no different than if they were my own sister and brother. Our “yaya” who’s taken care of all of us since first we donned on diapers remains faithful and loyal to us. Sure we’ve all had our moments of tension but we emerge a better family from it.

And then there are my friends, the true ones. They’ve been there with me through several bottles of beer and hundreds of cups of coffee, over which many stories have been shared, sharing packs of cigarettes as they listened to my ramblings.

I thought of my career… The locality isn’t really where I would have wanted it to be but it does have its own perks. And from where I’m standing now, the future looks quite promising. The present may not be a bed of roses. But whoever got to the top without going through some hurdles. Compared to others, I’m pretty sure I’m living an easy life. It’s not bad but it can be better.

When I woke up this morning, my husband greeted me with a kiss. Sweet birthday messages flooded my cellphone coming from family and friends throughout the day. And when I went to work, the staff gave me a bouquet of roses coupled with warm greetings.

This life is pretty good.

 

The day the stork didn’t come

It hasn’t been easy. Nor has it been cheap. I and my husband have been trying to get pregnant for several months now. We started seeing our doctor around October last year. We’ve tried very hard and spent a lot into the medications and stuff. Before last May, nothing really worked for me. Despite their high price, the meds weren’t doing their job. Then we graduated into injectables. About twelve thousand pesos into the work-up, the doctor still couldn’t see any significant progress. She decided to stop with the medications instead. She scheduled me for a routinary follow-up check three days later.

On that third day, we were surprised to see that even without the meds, my ovaries decided to act on their own. Perhaps out of pity for me, especially after I bawled like a baby the day the doctor said nothing was happening. I even took half a day off from work because I was so sad. But with this news, it seemed as if things were finally going right. One more shot in the arm and another ultrasound. When that was over, I still had another injection. But this time, it was going to be the last one. The ball was on our court, to do what we had to do.  A specific date was given on which I was to see if I had indeed gotten pregnant.

Today was that day.

I woke up this morning earlier than I’m used to. I was anxious. I thought I had been experiencing some changes in my body and somehow, I’d gotten my hopes up. I had dreams, one where somebody was congratulating me because I was going to be a mother. And still another where I was carrying a cute bundle of joy.

I didn’t want to get out of bed. But my husband kept reminding me it was time.

Almost every night leading to this morning, I’ve been praying for a positive result. I tried my best to convince God that I am ready, that this would really complete my family. I’ve imagined the look of joy on my mother’s face when I would tell her she would be a grandmother soon, or that of my husband’s, after I emerge out of the bathroom clutching the pregnancy test with a positive result. This was, after all, the teaching in the book “The Secret.” Think positive!

I grabbed the test kit and braced myself. I went inside the bathroom and did my thing, carefully dropped some sample on the test kit and waited for the result.

Negative.

I tried hard not to believe it even though it was staring right back at me. Just a single stripe. Nothing else. I waited for a while. Maybe the other stripe was just taking a little longer to show. Five minutes later, there was still just one stripe.

The tears began flowing. The smile that I imagined I would have on my face as I greet my husband as I open the door was replaced by uncontrollable sobs. All I could say was “it’s a negative.” Then I went back to bed and then cried some more.

Of course, being the sweet guy that he is, my husband consoled me. There would still be a next time, he said.

But I didn’t see it the same way he did.

The stress of going to the doctor every other day for injections, ultrasound in between, drinking medicines three times a day, and having to explain to my boss why I need to go out every afternoon to see the doctor had somehow taken a toll on me. I was getting tired… Tired of going through the whole nine yards just to get nothing in return.

I don’t know what to do now. Whether to go back and do the whole process again or just leave it at that. Money doesn’t grow on trees where I live. Not to mention the emotional stress.

I don’t know what to do…except to do the thing I’ve been forbidden to do since my treatment began. On the way to work this morning, I bought a pack of cigarettes and started lighting up again. The way I see it, there was no point in quitting at all.

 

Cookin’ Hot

How sweet the smell of success is!

Apparently, the voting public of American Idol has gotten this one right. This despite the prediction of Simon Cowell that David A. has knocked down the competition.

In fairness, I think David A. took the blow particularly well. He didn’t start bawling like some of the other contestants who got voted off earlier. Anyway, I’m sure there are already recording offers for him just waiting behind the curtains. I mean, he has a phenomenal voice after all.

As for David Cook, he’s just been let out into the real world. Now, more than ever, the pressure is on for him to prove that he is worth the title. But I’m sure he can pull it off. I think he’s got a lot of tricks up his sleeve.

 

And the winner is…David!

If the contest is only about winning, then I believe that David Archuleta will win. I don’t doubt that he has a very very vast following. I won’t even question why. He’s a good singer, not to mention, charming.

But if the contest is really about finding an American Idol, a really, really good performer, dynamic and will, by the way, sell multi-million albums, then the voting public of American Idol ought to choose David Cook.

It’s the penultimate night of American Idol season 7. Naturally, millions of people were tuned in to see who will be crowned winner this time. If Simon Cowell could foretell the future, and correctly at that, then David A. will probably win. As Simon saw it, David A. delivered a mighty blow against David C. It was, in his words, a “knock-out.” But is that enough?…

This brings to mind the first boxing bout between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Manuel Marquez. During that fight, Pacquiao was able to deliver heavy blows against Marquez. Many thought that Marquez was certain to lose. But come decision time, the judges announced a draw between the two.

Of course, I’m not saying that Pacquiao is the Filipino equivalent of David Archuleta. God knows Pacquiao can only sing as good as David A.’s foot. The point is, delivering deathly blows sometimes is not enough… assuming these were in fact deathly blows.

But then again, as my friend had pointed out earlier when I voiced the same opinion to him, I may be biased in favor of David Cook. Perhaps, that is the reason why even though I’ve agreed with Simon Cowell’s opinions for this season, no matter how harsh they may have been, I cannot bring myself to see it his way this time. The way I see it, the voting populace will not consider only their performance for tonight. Otherwise, they should have just made it a one-show season. It’s not just an ordinary elimination night where the one with the highest votes will have another shot. After tonight, regardless of whatever happens tomorrow, the two Davids are out on their own now. They will no longer have to concern themselves with whatever the three judges will say of them. As soon as they left that stage tonight, their concern is so much bigger, or at least it should be.