City Girl

There are moments in your life that you can’t help but relive over and over again, no matter how long ago they are. It’s like getting together with high school or college classmates. You never fail to remember that time you almost got caught cheating because your friend was not the discreet type or that time when you tried smoking in the girl’s room. And there there are those memories that you just can’t bring up with any other person except the person you shared it with. It’s a secret memory filled with secret emotions. Sometimes you just want to come clean and confess everything, just to see if it would make a difference. You think that maybe, just maybe, if you’d said it, if you’d shown it, if you’d done something about it, maybe life would be different.

Whenever I catch myself rummaging through my past every now and then, sometimes I can’t help thinking about where I would be and who I would be if I did things differently. Maybe if I’d married back right after college, I’d just be another housewife. Or maybe, if I hadn’t gotten in a relationship so early in law school, maybe I’d have been with other people. But then, when I think of the way my life has turned, I can’t really say that I regret anything I’ve done so far.

There are days when I feel redundant, like everything is pointless. I wake up in the morning full of hope that the day will be better than before. Maybe, just maybe, today I’d actually have fun doing what I do. Or that at least I could be better at what I do, even if it’s not so much fun. But at the end of the day, looking back, I can’t help but wonder what it’s all for. Why should I keep at it? For the money? The fame? Certainly it’s not for the fun.

Out here, time passes by so much faster than I’d have liked. With every passing day, I miss 24 hours more of the lives lived by my loved ones. That’s another day in their lives filled with conversations, events, laughters, tears, intrigues, etc., that I will never be part of. Because I’m out here, ALONE. I have never felt more alone than I do now. Although that’s not to say that I regret choosing what I actually chose. I’ve done it, there’s no longer any point in thinking about it. I’m not even sure I won’t do the same thing if I had to do it all again. I think my problem lies in thinking about all the stuff I’m missing if I were living my life the way I used to. There was a time in my life when I was single but I was never alone. There was a time when I had to work but I never bitched about it. There was a time when I used to have fun. Nowadays, fun is only a word on the dictionary, a mere idea, without any spirit to give life to it.

Then again, maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s all just in my head. Or maybe, it’s just the hormones…

Nothing really beats menstrual pain — not even severe heartbreak.

I woke up this morning feeling a pinch in my abdomen. I knew it was going to be that time of the month again. I tried to ignore it but it just wouldn’t go away! I couldn’t even get myself out of the chair after I ate my breakfast. It was like somebody was slowly tearing away my uterus from the inside out. So, despite my eagerness to get to work this morning (yeah, right!), I just decided to stay at home. I spent the entire morning in bed, not moving and just feeling the pain on every nerve. I couldn’t remember a time when I’ve felt worse… well, there was actually one time back in law school when it was also because of dysmenorrhea that I threw up. But my point is, this kind of pain is real. After all, they say that true heartbreak lasts only for five minutes — after that, it’s just pure self-indulgence. But this pain – menstrual pain – lasts for one whole day, not to mention its definitely not the kind you’d want to indulge in. And there’s no getting around it, like going out with friends, getting lost in a gallon of ice cream or having a make-over.

I’d like to sound melodramatic and poetic by saying that “pain makes me grow” but I don’t think so. This kind of pain just makes me wanna throw up. Aargh!

For the first time since I’ve transferred to this sleepy town, I’ve only begun to feel like I could have a life here.

After a meeting I held with my staff, we’ve made some developments with the system in the office. Although I feel that, as their nature is, some would probably say things behind my back, I can really make some difference there, no matter how small. Besides, I don’t think I should be moved much thinking about what they might say. If they can’t say it to my face, then it’s probably not that important.

With the end in view of implementing the changes that we’ve agreed upon, I stayed a little later in the office to finish up some work. I was accompanied by two of my staff members who generously shared with me their laments about other co-workers. I was a bit amazed how they could’ve fought so brutally and yet still remain cordial, even friendly, to one another. I suppose when you’re forced to stay 8 hours in a small office space, you learn to get along even with the most annoying person. I also learned about intriguing “after office affairs” that went on before I came. The gossip I heard would shame even the most addicting telenovela. It made me think whether it is art that imitates life or it pales in comparison.

As I drove home, I thought of the day I had. I’ve definitely initiated some changes for the better. I felt like I’ve bonded with some staff members, making them feel more comfortable around me as an authority figure. I want to make them feel that they can talk to me about anything and everything. All in all, I suppose I could call it a good day.

Since I opened my site at flickr to show off (teehee, what a word! I’m not even sure I should show it off) my attempt at good photography, I’ve had some new things to learn.

When I began, I was quite eager to know what others would think and say about my photos. I stayed logged in to the site for several hours. Unfortunately, no comment came, not even a “what an ugly photo!” Truth to tell, I was a bit disappointed, dismayed and discouraged.  I thought that my photos weren’t even bad enough to generate the worst criticism. So I stayed away from the site, occupied myself with other things (such as learning how photoshop actually works — which I still don’t understand much) and pretended not to remember my dangling photos.

Then when I finally had the courage to go and look whether I’ve been banned from flickr for having the most unremarkable photos, I was surprised. Several people had generously showered me with compliments — okay, maybe showered isn’t the exact word one might use. Kind comments have increased from three (how pathetic, huh?) to around ten (I’m not even sure why I’m divulging this to the public. This is definitely a subject for ridicule by well-accomplished photographers). In any case, it’s still wonderful enough for me. I mean, hey, everybody’s got to start somewhere, right? Even the most famous and awarded photographer must have shot some bad pictures at one point in their career. Although, I don’t really see my career moving to the direction of photography. It’s just some sort of hobby that I’m interested in for the moment (from which I also hope to earn some money by putting up exhibits in this sleepy town… how ambitious, I know!).

So, today, I just uploaded a few photos to my site. After organizing it, I logged out and relaxed. Nature will take its course. =)