For, perhaps, the zillionth time in my life, I have once again decided to stop smoking.
When I was a chubby child, I had a grandfather who smoked like the chimney. He’d prop himself by the gate where he can see people pass by. Once he sat, he never stopped smoking, one cigarette after another. He had a distinct smell about him because of the constant smoking. I didn’t really like it much whenever he kissed me, because then he’d leave his trademark smell on me (alright! I wasn’t a very touchy child, I admit it!).And then there’s my father, also a chain smoker. As with my grandfather, my dad also has the smell of nicotine about him. My mom has desperately tried to convince him to kick the habit. But he only got around to changing cigarette brands – one which allegedly had low nicotine content. I love my dad, I swear. But as a child, I really didn’t appreciate the stink of smoke.
You’d think that when I grew up, I’d learn to stay away from cigarettes. But no! When I got into high school is where it all began. Some of my friends lit up once while we were in a friend’s house. I tried it but didn’t really catch the fever. I suppose, however, that it was only a matter of time before it became a habit.
When I got to college, smoking became my deep dark secret. If there is any indication that birds of the same feather really flock together, then it must be that I’ve made friends, unknowingly, with people who also smoke. While other students would leave in the middle of the class to take a piss, I’d leave for a cigarette break. Aside from being my form of relaxation, it was also a great way of gaining more friends — who also smoked, unfortunately. Smoking was good during class recesses, after eating, while drinking with beer buddies, whatever. Smoking was just plain good – well, aside from the fact that it makes one look cool. From buying a stick or two a day, I graduated to buying a pack every two days or so. Of course, since I had friends who also smoked, it couldn’t be helped that they’d bum sticks from me every now and then.
The habit got worse when I entered law school. I tell you, if there is any place for smokers to congregate, it must be law school. Perhaps it was due to the pressure, the fear of teachers and the fear, in general, of just failing the class, which drove masses of law students to smoke. But this time, smoking met a friend — caffeine. It seemed that once they got together, they were never to be separated. It became automatic: if there’s coffee, there must be some cigarettes.
Now that I’ve grown older – and consulted my doctor – maybe smoking has taken a bit of a toll on me.
I’ve been trying to get pregnant lately. It’s already been more than a year since I got married. I am persistently besieged by (annoying) questions as to whether I’m already pregnant. But I suppose the more annoying part is after I say no and they ask “Why not?” How exactly do you answer that question: Why are you not pregnant? I could perhaps go into a lengthy discussion regarding the mechanics of baby-making, such as the sperm needing to infiltrate the egg cell and so on, but that would just be too much effort. So instead, I just smile and walk away.
Believe me, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. For this, we’ve had to consult with a doctor. We’ve tried several stuff but nothing has worked so far. The last time we went to see the doctor, she had one advice for me: “stop smoking.” It had finally arrived, the moment I’d have to actually quit lighting up.
Right now, I’ve tried quitting cold turkey. But there are times when one just has to smoke, like when one or some of my staff members are getting on my nerves, when it’s been a particularly bad day at work, after eating, while having coffee… wait, I’m just falling down again.
Anyway, it’s almost been two weeks since I’ve heard the advice. In that span of time, I think I’ve only smoked for five times… alright, maybe more than five times but definitely less than ten times. I’m really trying hard to fight the urge to whip up a stick and light it. Quitting is usually the easiest way out, but not in this case. I hope I really win at quitting.
