The hope that never dies

It’s that time of the month — again.

Yes. Like clockwork, it’s come again…perhaps to haunt me, showing me the bad lifestyle choices I’ve made when I was younger, the foresight I should have had and yet unfortunately lost. Perhaps this is a testament to the kind of life I’ve led before. And yet I can’t help defending myself. It was such a short while…so brief and so fleeting. I couldn’t have accumulated such amount of bad karma as to merit this… this… how can I even call it?

I’m a freak. That’s what it is.

It’s the same thing back in high school, I thought to myself last night as I stared helplessly into the void.  In fact, I feel like I’ve never left that point in my life. I look at all my classmates and my friends with a look of despair. I’m never going to be like any of them. I’m a freak, period. What’s wrong with me? Everything. I’m fat and ugly, short and stupid. Well, scratch that. I’m not really short…and perhaps not too stupid either. I have, after all, earned a degree coveted by no less than six thousand people, in this year alone. And yet, I still feel like some sort of failure. In the one thing that’s supposed to really matter, I can’t deliver.

It’s that time of the month — again.

Yes. Like clockwork, I’m sad again. No matter how many times I’ve tried to convince myself, told myself, that I wouldn’t give hope a chance, a ray always manages to slip in. Darn it. And yet, everytime, hope ends in vain.

And so, last night, as I watched this person unarguably more disadvantaged than I am in life, I couldn’t help but envy her. Here she was, freak to the core and yet, still normal like the rest of them. She functions like a normal person should, just as God intended humans to be. Here I was, on the other side of the world, having the appearance of a fully functional human being yet deficient in the one thing that matters. I’m a freak even to the freaks.

I tried to stifle the sobs that wouldn’t quit for fear of being discovered. I buried my head in my pillow and pretended to fall asleep. I couldn’t let the husband see what I was going through. Even though he’s accepted my frailties, I’m still afraid he may not be able to come to terms with my deficiency. It’s a paranoia, unjustified and unfair, but that’s how it feels.

Having cried through the night, it was inevitable that I would wake up today as if yesterday never happened. Perhaps I was made to be resilient. Or maybe God is molding me to be one.

Another month is up ahead.

I can feel hope crawling underneath my skin.

 

Commitment problems

As should have been obvious to the casual observer, I have some problems about commitment.

First of all, since the start of this blogging attempt, I haven’t really been consistent with writing articles every week or even every month, at the least. Sometimes, the blogging bug hits me and I write two or three articles in just one sitting. On some days, I couldn’t even be bothered to lift a finger and open the laptop. In truth, it all depends upon the mood.

Secondly, I think I’ve been quite vocal about being non-committal, of course, only to an extent. In my article “Cheating is all in the mind,” I’ve narrated how I’ve had a semi-emotional affair with another while I was significantly involved with a man.

Finally, as can be seen between the date  this article is written and the last entry in this blog, it’s been quite a while since I’ve thought about writing.

In any case, I’m here now — writing. So I suppose this should make up for the lost time. After all, my life’s really not that exciting to write in detail for the world to read. =D

So, since I’m already here, let me tell you what I’ve been busy with…

1. I’m glad Conan O’Brien is finally back on tv — again. Finally, I can stop pretending to like the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. The only thing I like in that show is when they sing the news.

2. I’ve been on vacation, seen the Pacific Ocean for the first time and took some pictures. Check out my flickr page in this blog. It’s not much but I just can’t get over what a marvelous world this is (well, most of the time.)

3. I’ve been addicted (together with my husband) to True Blood. I’ve seen the books by Charlaine Harris and restrained myself from buying the book set. All I really need is just another series to keep my mind from my job (teehee!). Still, I think it’s uncannily similar to Twilight except that this time, it’s the girl who can read minds and she can’t read her vampire’s mind. Other than that, the plot’s almost the same. And yet, despite that, I still like this one better. Maybe it’s because of the acting prowess the actors show. Advice to Twilight lead stars: please, for the love of all that’s holy, SHOW SOME FREAKIN’ EMOTIONS. But I have a feeling I’m about to be disappointed again with the New Moon movie. Oh well, at least there’s True Blood.

3. I’ve been busy with work stuff, yuck! I’ve had to get my hands dirty with ballot boxes and ballots which show nothing but that the teachers should not have been allowed to teach and voters should not have been allowed to vote. People really don’t know what they’re doing sometimes.

4. I’ve prepared my course outline for this semester. The first semester for law school begins next week. Here come the headaches and the annoying stupid questions. Why do I do it, you ask. Just for the heck of it. I mean, without that, what would I have to write about? Besides, I like to see law students make fools of themselves. It’s almost a form of vengeance for the times I’ve made a fool of myself back when I was in law school. Maybe I’ve come full circle. Hah!

5.  I’ve started getting in on Facebook’s Farm Town, Yoville and Pet Society. I know, I know! I’m lightyears behind. Still, I like it. After playing Pet Society, I just want to buy my own pet. I’ve Googled dog breeds and decided I’m gonna get me an English Cocker Spaniel — in my dreams, of course! My husband, his family and their house wouldn’t allow it. I swear, the minute I get a place of our own, I’m going to buy a damn dog whether hubby likes it or not! hmp.

6. I’ve been hearing a lot about Twitter. So I checked it out. I registered. And then I returned to Facebook. Twitter’s for the self-absorbed person who thinks the world revolves around every move she makes and every breath she takes.  I don’t think I love myself that much.

Hopefully, I’ll have more time and inspiration to write other helpful articles for this blog. And I hope somebody out there is still reading this crappy blog.

See y’all!

 

Pacquiao happens

In just the span of two rounds, Manny “Pacman” Pacquiao has effectively knocked out Ricky “Hitman” Hatton.  It was the third time he fell after experiencing Pacman’s punch. The first time Hitman met Pacman’s punch, you could see in his eyes he was already wondering why he was even fighting. By the second round, after receiving Manny’s left hook in his right jaw, with two arms raised, Hitman fell on his back, could not even open his eyes. By the time he was seated upright, he looked like he didn’t even know where he was or what hit him. That ought to shut him up and his coach.

Perhaps, having been humiliated so soon in the fight, Hitman has refused to be interviewed. Meanwhile, in his imperfect English, Pacquiao basked in the victorious glow while talking to Mario Lopez, who can’t help but drop that he had trained with Manny at the Wild Card Gym. What is it with winning that other people suddenly feel like they have something common with you?

Pacquiao is the only one I know to whose performance Hollywood stars (read: Mariah Carey, Mark Wahlberg, P. Diddy!) had come to watch. He’s the real superstar. Charisse Pempengco should learn something from him, not the least of which should be the humility.

 

Cheating is all in the mind

I’ve always been the kind to stick to one man at a time back when I was single. I’ve known (and still know) guys who dupe their girlfriends/wives by having affairs left and right. While I do not pass judgment upon them, I, of course, do not condone the act. I’ve just come to accept that cheating is part of normal human life, although I’ve promised myself never to commit the same mistake.

Today, however, after reading an article on Shine, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’ve actually been guilty of the very crime I vowed I’d never commit.

As the title of the article itself readily shows, “Ways to let go of an Emotional Love Affair” provides means for overcoming the “addiction.” While there is nothing in the whole article which directly tells you if you’re having an affair with another, there are, nonetheless, helpful hints.

The first tell-tale sign of being emotionally involved with another person is the fact that one incessantly thinks of him/her (hopefully not while driving the car or talking to the boss). Such obsession leads the person from effectively performing daily tasks, e.g., remaining faithful to your actual girl/boyfriend or wife/husband.

If conjuring up images of the besotted one is the only activity which seems to brighten up your day, this is likewise another sign that you’re hung up on another person. Obviously, your “legal” significant other no longer sends up shivers on your spine at this point. According to the article, being in such a state of “affairs” is a way of escaping loneliness.

The entire article is helpful as it understands that quitting an emotional love affair cannot be simply done cold turkey. There are steps to follow for the sick at heart.

Let me just state for the record that I am a happily married person. Spine shivers no longer occur daily at the sight of the husband but I understand that true love isn’t what pocketbooks say it is. But I do remember a time when I may have been significantly involved with one person and yet intellectually pre-occupied with another. Of course, at the time that this emotional attachment with another person occurred, I was still legally single (although, as I have said, significantly involved).

The other person was not one I’d ever consider attractive. His physical attributes surely wouldn’t have led to the improvement of the gene pool – well, at least not on my side. But it was his intellect which appealed to me. After more than enough late night conversations with him, I’d begun to think of him differently.

It lasted for a while, the so-called affair. I wouldn’t be so sure as to call it a love affair. I mean, I wouldn’t have said the  three oft-abused words to his face even if my life depended on it. But there was something there – at least, intellectually.

The entire thing was just all in the mind, shared though it may have been by two persons.  Thankfully, it did not lead us into something we both would have regretted later on. But it did leave a mark, as chicken pox does to one’s skin.

 

Clean up!

For years, my mother has been bugging me to clean up my room. Ever since I could remember, I have always led a carefree lifestyle. Translation: I let things (usually!) fall where they may. There have been times in the past when my bed was taken over by books to be read and clothes to be worn. My mother was often times exasperated with my lack of cleaning ability. When I would profess that I have no time to do all the cleaning up necessary so I could even see what the floor looks like, my mother would have an easy answer: Put things back where you got them. But then again, most of my things have been strewn all over my room for so long that they practically live right where they are.

After a while, my mother tired of repeatedly lecturing me regarding my organizational skills — or lack thereof. She just refused to enter or even look inside my room altogether. But now that I’m grown and moved miles away from my mother, I think I really need to harness whatever skill on organization that I may have been born with. I fear that in a few more years or maybe even months, my husband will be singing to the same tune as my mother had.

But what solution is there, short of a miracle, to solve clutter problem? Thanks to Shine, I’ve found some worthwhile suggestions.

In Quick and Simple’s Win the War on Clutter, there are 7 ways of keeping clutter at bay. But if you think those 7 methods are just too long for you, the site proposes a F.A.S.T. Plan, i.e. Fix a time to de-clutter, Anything not used for 12 months must be gone, Someone else’s stuff should likewise go and Trash should definitely be tossed.

If this FAST Plan doesn’t work for you either, then there’s only one thing left for you to do: move to another house.